xliv.

"if you would be a real seeker after truth,

it is necessary that at least once in your life you doubt,

as far as possible, all things."

-rene decartes

recently, a friend of mine reminded me of the brilliant mind of descartes. i took a philosophy class my freshman year of college and truely enjoyed his work. the above quote was one of my favorites that i pulled away from his works. admitedly i enjoyed it so because of my tendancies toward rebellion; and, while attending a very conservative christian university, i found this quote allowed me a bit of an "out" intellectually in terms of the legalistic mindsets that permiated the community of which i was immersed.

indeed (taking my own biased nature out of the perception of this quote) it is completely true that a valuable part of the development of any thought/ perception/ etc requires doubt at first in order to prove otherwise. in terms of belief, i believe doubt plays a key role in the birthing of any amount of true, genuine faith. as frederick buechner stated, "doubts are in ants in the pants of faith. they keep it awake and moving." doubt is indeed a beautiful thing.

yet, a few years after originally hearing this quote, i am brought back to it. i now find this quote to be incomplete. i feel it should continue on, to read in whole,

" . . . it is necessary in your life you doubt, as far as possible,
all things- including your doubt."

ask any one person in my family or my friends (perhaps even those who hardly know me), and they will tell you that i am one of the most stubborn people that they have ever met. indeed, this is true. actually, this was something that i had a hard time accepting at first- but, as i grow older i understand this to be accurate- including both the positive and negative connotations this word holds. but, that is just a side note- see, throughout my life there have been decisions made in which i have been completely and utterly 100% sure of- i was wholeheartedly dedicated to my decision- and yet, i have been wrong (shocking . . . i know). it is an interesting perdicament, really- especially in terms of a difference of opinion- when you would bet your life that your point of view/frame of reference is correct (esp vs someone elses), and you turn out to be anything but correct.

i have learned from these situations that i need to doubt even my own doubt. i may believe myself to be completely right, and perhaps i am- but, more importantly, perhaps i am not. i need to doubt my estimations. it is a healithier and more true way to be.

now, in terms of applying these lessons learned to my faith: i have learned that doubt is essential to any sort of belief development; but, there comes a point where the doubt must subside- even for a moment- in order for the belief to take root. in order for the doubt to subside- i must doubt my own doubt. i must allow myself to humor the thought that i might not know everything- that my doubting might in fact be ignorant and incomplete.

doubt brings us to greater understandings of many things in life- especially our faith. but, it will only bring us to a certain point. if we are not aware of when we should remove the lid of doubt, we will continue to stay in the same box, mulling over the same things, never moving forward in thought or maturation. let us avoid this tragic state. let us learn to doubt our doubt.