lxxiv.

During these last few weeks, I have been reflecting quite a bit about the idea heartache. Not necessarily in a self-reflective state, but more so, I have been in wonderment about the causes, effects and repercussions of heartache within humans in general: what is it? What does it mean? Why is it that we deal with heartache in such diverse ways?

A friend of mine recently experienced a deep heartache- the man she loved cheated on her; another friend of mine experienced a miscarriage within the family; someone else I know suffered the loss of a close friendship; personally, I have dealt with the loss of an entire family unit this last year. Each of these incidences are deeply heart-wrenching, yet they are not extraordinarily unique to the world at large. Everyone has experienced loss; so, why do we feel so alone when we go through heartache?

Heartache is, sadly enough, a universal commonality. All of us, at one point or another, have experienced “heartache”. It is a completely overwhelming state of being. The consequences of this condition vary person to person, so much so that there is the potential to have difficulty relating to someone else’s experience, even if it is quite similar to a loss you have encountered; you cannot sleep, you sleep all the time, you cannot eat, you cannot stop eating, you seclude yourself, you overindulge in any vice you can get your hands on- escapism is the ultimate goal in coping with this mystery of heartache.

The differences in our means of dealing with heartache are staggering- but, why? A common theme in evolution is the way a structure or a system takes on new functions over time. Obviously, we could dissect this concept of heartache in terms of the evolution of humanity and how our basic pain response took on a social dimension in humans; but, that sits too far from me. What I am curious about how each individual’s evolution from childhood, the experiences they have gone through, has shaped their response to pain within their own lives.

From ancient Greece to the Renaissance, a strong tradition held that the heart contained a soul of its own that could perceive the outside world and produce feelings. Philosophers from Aristotle to Thomas Hobbes were convinced that nerves delivered their signals to the heart rather than the brain. With the birth of neurology in the 1600s, the brain came to take a central place in the body and was the site of emotions and perceptions. Meanwhile, the heart was de-souled, transformed into a mechanical pump.

But, I have heard from others, and experienced first hand, that the heart is not separate in our understanding of heartache (obviously I am speaking in metaphorical and not scientific language here). The great minds of ancient philosophers’ were not too far off- many of us have felt the actual physical pain within the left wall of our chest. Is this just a coincidence? Maybe it is; but, maybe it is not- after all, science is looking into the idea of the Broken Heart Syndrome . . .( http://www.scientificblogging.com/cash/the_science_of_the_broken_heart).

Obviously, symptoms vary byindividual and range from withdrawal from society to physical sickness and pain. Why does it hurt so badly? Well, it is simply the fact that we lose part of ourselves when connections are lost; we are missing something that, we thought, defined such a huge part of ourselves, and its not far-fetched to say that you feel completely empty inside. It is an ache that our bodies experience when we long for the comfort of the past- this pain is real. Heartache is a longing for the past- it is the pain of feeling completely empty and abandoned.

"Pain is the way the mind responds to trouble inside the body," says Alex Zautra, a professor of psychology at Arizona State University. "Emotion is the same way. Whether you feel love or sadness is also a response to something you feel outside the body. With pain it is a closer-in response, to something inside the body, but it is a response in an attempt to learn about and motivate recovery."

I believe heartache is real, so very real. In fact, I believe it is one of the most pivotal experiences we as humans go through which, whether we decide to react to heartache in positive or negative ways, is able to develop our personal structure of psyche, morals and worldview. It is not heartache itself which defines us, but rather, what we as individuals decide to take away from it.

I recently told a close friend of mine who has and still is experiencing heartache that we create the life we want; I believe this with all of my broken heart. We will experience heartache- but, I would not necessarily classify this as a negative thing, because it is through heartache that we are allowed to reconstruct our original plans- and, if we allow it, this process of reconstruction will bring freshness into our lives. C.S. Lewis is known for painting the picture of pain, not as a curse at all, but rather, as a gift. I wholeheartedly adhere to this concept.

In writing this, my goal was not to provide a definitive answer to the question of what heartache is; rather, I just wanted to get down on paper some thoughts which have been floating through my mind. But, as I have quasi-worked-through this idea of heartache, I understand that it is our decisions of how to react- how we chose to reconstruct- which are more crucial to our human experience than the devastation of heartache is within itself.

lxxiii.

I forgot how much I love this song. Fantastically creepy video included.


The Decemberists- Rake Song.

lxxii.

lxxi.

the first half of my day was spent picking apart my life piece by piece, remembering all the joys and sorrows of the last year, and placing the remnants in boxes to be moved. i have five more days at apt #4.

this year has been quite full- in the most lovely of ways. i could never have imagined how fantastic this last year was going to be for me. and now, as i begin to pack up my life and prepare to embark upon another move, sure to bring about many more wonderful experiences, i find myself sitting in silence, inspecting random objects that represent so much of what i have gone through this last year . . . and i feel terribly blessed.

my beautiful roommate, kate, and i have formed a much deeper friendship than i could have ever expected. learning and growing has been the order for both of us this last year; bridging the gaps of the beautiful differences between us, and learning to appreciate each other even more so because of them. kate, i will miss you most of all. and no, this is not the end, but a beginning to a new chapter of our sisterhood. i have been, am now, and will forever be blessed by having you in my life. you are beyond words to me.

i have met so many wonderful people in this last year; friends more sublime than i could have ever chosen for myself. to everyone i whom i have met in this last year, thank you for allowing me to experience the glory that is you. each and every one of you has changed me and i am a better person for it. i am thankful for you all more than i could ever express.

indeed, the joys and the heartaches of this last year have overlapped so much that they are completely melded together within my mind and heart in such a way that i could never entertain the thought of changing a thing.

and here i sit, in the midsts of boxes and empty walls, and i am quite certain that there is no more thankful person in the world right now than i.

lxx.

this is lengthy; however, very worth your time and consideration. let me know your thoughts.

lxix.

the atheism tapes.


i.





ii.





iii.

lxviii.

may the Valentine's Day Festivities begin!

lxvii.

Hold on this will hurt more than anything has before
What it was, what it was, what it was
I've brought this on us more than anyone could ignore
What I've done, what I've done, what I've done

I've worked for so long just to see you mess around
What you've done, what you've done, what you've done
I want back the years that you took when I was young
I was young, I was young, but it's done

Oh take it all away
I don't feel it anymore
Oh take it all away
Oh take it all away
I don't feel it anymore
Oh take it all away

We'll fall just like stars being hung by only string
Everything, everything, here is gone
No map can direct how to ever make it home
We're alone, we're alone, we're alone

Oh take it all away
I don't feel it anymore
Oh take it all away

-William Fitzsimmons

lxvi.

Ani Ani Ani . . .





I am walking
out in the rain
and I am listening to the low moan
of the dial tone again

and I am getting
nowhere with you
and I can't let it go
and I can't get through...

the old woman behind the pink curtains
and the closed door
on the first floor
she's listening through the air shaft
to see how long our swan song can last

and both hands
now use both hands
oh, no don't close your eyes

I am writing
graffitti on your body
I am drawing the story of
how hard we tried

I am watching your chest rise and fall
like the tides of my life,
and the rest of it all

and your bones have been my bedframe
and your flesh has been my pillow
I am waiting for sleep
to offer up the deep
with both hands

in eachother's shadows we grew less and less tall
and eventually our theories couldn't explain it all
and I'm recording our history now on the bedroom wall
and when we leave the landlord will come
and paint over it all

and I am walking
out in the rain
and I am listening to the low moan of the dial tone again
and I am getting nowhere with you
and I can't let it go
and I can't get though

both hands
now use both hands
oh, no don't close your eyes
I am writing graffitti on your body
I am drawing the story of how hard we tried
hard we tried
how hard we tried

-Ani

I search your profile

for a translation

I study the conversation

like a map

'cause I know there is strength

in the differences between us

and I know there is comfort

where we overlap

come here

stand in front of the light

stand still

so I can see your silhouette

I hope

you have got all night

'cause I'm not done looking,

no, I'm not done looking yet

each one of us

wants a piece of the action

you can hear it in what we say

you can see it in what we do

we negotiate with chaos

for some sense of satisfaction

if you won't give it to me

at least give me a better view

come here

stand in front of the light

stand still

so I can see your silhouette

I hope

you have got all night

'cause I'm not done looking

no,

I'm not done looking yet

I build each one of my songs

out of glass

so you can see me inside of them

I suppose

or you could just leave the image of me

in the backround, I guess

and watch your own reflection superimposed

I build each one of my days out of hope

and I give that hope your name

and I don't know you that well

but it don't take much to tell

either you don't have the balls

or you don't feel the same

come here

stand in front of the light

stand still

so I can see your silhouette

I hope

you have got all night

'cause I'm not done looking

no, I'm not done looking yet

I search your profile for a translation

I study the conversation like a map

'cause I know there is strength

in the differences between us

and I know there is comfort

where we overlap

-Ani

think i'm going for a walk now
i feel a little unsteady
i don't want nobody to follow me
'cept maybe you
i could make you happy you know
if you weren't already
i could do a lot of things
and i do

tell you the truth i prefer
the worst of you
too bad you had to have a better half
she's not really my type
but i think you two are forever
and i hate to say it but
you're perfect together

so fuck you
and your untouchable face
and fuck you
for existing in the first place
and who am i
that i should be vying for your touch
and who am i
i bet you can't even tell me that much

two-thirty in the morning
and my gas tank will be empty soon
neon sign on the horizon
rubbing elbows with the moon
a safe haven of sleepless
where the deep fryer's always on
radio is counting down
the top 20 country songs
and out on the porch the fly strip is
waving like a flag in the wind
y'know, i don't look forward
to seeing you again soon
you'll look like a photograph of yourself
taken from far far away
and i won't know what to do
and i won't know what to say

except fuck you...

i see you and i'm so perplexed
what was i thinking
what will i think of next
where can i hide
in the back room there's a lamp
that hangs over the pool table
and when the fan is on it swings
gently side to side
there's a changing constellation
of balls as we are playing
i see orion and say nothing
the only thing i can think of saying

is fuck you...

-Ms. D

lxv.

researching how advancements in social technologies have redesigned the courting process for our generation . . . more to come.

lxiv.

i want to thank all of my friends.

glorious each and every one of you are.

no matter what the outcome is, i want to thank you all for being my support during this time- i am humbled by your presence in my life.

thank you for teaching me the beauty of vulnerability- and thank you for allowing me to experience the joy of requited love.

you have all blessed me beyond measure, teaching me of the grace and beauty that walks with strength.

for all this, i will forever be indebted to you all in the most lovely of ways.

"i have perceiv’d that to be with those i like is enough,      

to stop in company with the rest at evening is enough,     

to be surrounded by beautiful, curious, breathing, laughing flesh is enough,     

to pass among them, or touch any one, or rest my arm ever so lightly round his or her neck for a moment—what is this, then?     

i do not ask any more delight—I swim in it, as in a sea."

-whitman

lxiii.

mmmm . . .

lxii.

 myself


. . . .



i will sing steadily
the song of myself'
in curious medley
apart
from harmonious wealth

for your breath
is not yet strong
to join your voice
in blend
with my song

my words will fall
among your feet
and will scatter your mind
within
their glorious beat

heaven awakes
as i raise my voice
to sing the ballad
to still rejoice
to hold myself dear
though
not quite your choice

and i believe
for all you cant
in all of me

apart from you
i still will be
always glorious
forever worthy




-me

lxi.

for those who enjoy a bit of psycho babble here and there.

lx.

lix.

let us be thoughtful of the Haitian people today.

lviii.

as of january 8, 2010 i am 25 . . . shit.

lvii.

" . . . i fall upon the thorns of life. i bleed . . . "



-percy bysshe shelley

lvi.

in wait

. . . .


solace my pain
epic loss
so close to gain


memoirs told
none i knew
forsaken one
was me, by you

remembrance lives
all over you
through stories divulged
in shades of blue


solace my gain
epic truth
now forced by pain


eyes of tears
meets eyes of fears
you cannot call me
your own

a love delayed
through all the years
still sits in wait
to be known


-me

lv.

in my humble opinion, one of the best movie monologues . . . ever (quoted by marion, from the film, '2 days in paris')

"It always fascinated me how people go from loving you madly to nothing at all. nothing. It hurts so much.

When I feel someone is going to leave me, I have a tendency to break up first before I get to hear the whole thing. Here it is. One more, one less. Another wasted love story.

I really love this one.

When I think that its over, that I'll never see him again like this... well yes, I'll bump into him, we'll meet our new boyfriend and girlfriend, act as if we had never been together, then we'll slowly think of each other less and less until we forget each other completely. Almost.

Always the same for me. Break up, break down. Drunk up, fool around. Meet one guy, then another, fuck around to forget the one and only. Then after a few months of total emptiness start again to look for true love, desperately look everywhere and after two years of loneliness meet a new love and swear it is the one. . . until that one is gone as well.

There's a moment in life where you can't recover any more from another break-up. And even if this person bugs you sixty percent of the time, well you still can’t live without him. And even if he wakes you up every day by sneezing right in your face, well you love his sneezes more than anyone else's kisses."

liv.

for like-minded folks: january musts.



musician- justin vernon (i.e. bon iver).

band- peter wolf crier.

album- thelonious monk quartet with john coltrane at carnegie hall.

book- anything from the pultizer prize fiction list.

movie- 2 days in paris.

location- chicago.

liii.

the year in review: 2009 in status.

. . . .

New Years in Chicago! -january 1 @ 10:07 a.m. Is an Electric Eel. -january 8 @ 3:21 p.m. Beck. -january 18 @ 2:10 p.m. OBAMA! -january 20 @ 10:59 a.m. It is Valentines Day. Dont go on a date. Put on some sexy lingerie. Grab a bottle of wine. Bring a pillow you dont mind destroying. Come to our place for the best slumber party of your life! -january 21 @ 11:19 p.m. thinks Lindsey is WAY cooler then stupid giant Joshua!! -january 23 @ 10:48 p.m. Lykke Li @ the Varsity tonight! -february 8 @ 3:10 p.m. Lingerie & Wine Party! -february 14 @ 10:53 p.m. wildbirds & peacedrums. -february 18 @ 11:06 p.m. bathing in bubbles, tea & whitman. -march 5 @ 8:43 p.m. is housewarming. -march 13 @ 9:58 p.m. is actually Irish. -march 17 @ 9:57 a.m. is off to Chicago! -march 27 @ 8:27 a.m. is packing for North Carolina. -april 7 @ 12:07 a.m. is loving the family & North Carolina . . . -april 9 @ 7:17 p.m. just bought my lollapalooza tickets! -june 10 @ 11:20 a.m. mmm . . . farmers market. -june 18 @ 3:10 p.m. solstice. -june 21 @ 8:44 p.m. duluth. -june 27 @ 3:40 p.m. thinks lindsey is the coolest person by far!! -july 7 @ 12:36 p.m. nina simone. nina simone. nina simone. -july 25 @ 9:40 p.m. . . . coffee & ella fitzgerald . . . -august 16 @ 11:00 a.m. im getting my new bike today! -august 31 @ 12:24 p.m. got the promotion!! -september 4 @ 10:48 a.m. re: stacks. -september 7 @ 7:51 p.m. Enjoy this fuckin fleeting season and come fuck around with us. -september 8 @ 10:31 p.m. blue lips. blue veins. -september 19 @ 11:56 a.m. p.y.t. -september 20 @ 6:07 p.m. doing my first spoken word tonight @ the artists quarter . . . -september 28 @ 11:17 a.m. Goo McGee: A Series of Unfortunate Goo's. -october 7 @ 2:11 p.m. exhibits. birthdays. zombies. oh, my. -october 9 @ 10:48 a.m. Cornucopia! -october 15 @ 11:20 p.m. this time tomorrow . . . LA! -october 27 @ 7:18 a.m. L.A. L.A. Land. -october 29 @ 12:09 p.m. is getting inked. -november 1 @ 7:27 p.m. "be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind." - dr. seuss -november 29 @ 11:24 a.m. one can stand anything except a succession of ordinary days. -goethe -december 2 @ 6:53 a.m. a morning-glory at my window satisfies me more than the metaphysics of books. -whitman -december 3 @ 9:41 a.m. The creation of something new is not accomplished by the intellect, but by the play instinct acting from inner necessity. The creative mind plays with the objects it loves. -jung -december 10 @ 2:44 p.m. But I will wear my heart upon my sleeve for daws to peck at. -shakespeare -december 11 @ 3:30 p.m. to praise the sun is to praise your own eyes. -rumi -december 15 @ 2:37 p.m. . . . playing with the materials of life that exist between expectancy and reality. -december 21 @ 11:04 p.m.

lii.

love vs. regret



its love verses regret
to forever be on your arm
or to tell how we once met

should i keep my forever closed
or, should i take the bet

of love forever gained
or forever lost
our fates fully exchanged
our independence at any cost

just let me tell you
how i need to go
but please tell the stories
of how you see us grow

grow in skin
and in soul
grow from two
into whole

yet, i will delicately
pull away
and you'll ask me why
you'll beg me to stay

but my breath as is short
as my excuses are low
please dont ask me why
for its love i do not know

-me

li.

You keep track of all my sorrows.
You have collected all my tears in your bottle.
You have recorded each one in your book.

psalms 56:8

l.

All I know is that you're so nice,

You're the nicest thing I've seen

.I wish that we could give it a go,

See if we could be something.

I wish I was your favorite girl,

I wish you thought I was the reason you are in the world.

I wish my smile was your favorite kind of smile

I wish the way that I dressed was your favourite kind of style.

I wish you couldn't figure me out,

But you always wanted know what I was about.

I wish you'd hold my hand when I was upset,

I wish you'd never forget the look on my face when we first met.

I wish you had a favorite beauty spot that you loved secretly,

'Cos it was on a hidden bit that nobody else could see.

Basically, I wish that you loved me,

I wish that you needed me,

I wish that you knew when I said two sugars,

actually I meant three.

I wish that without me your heart would break,

I wish that without me you'd be spending the rest of your nights awake.

I wish that without me you couldn't eat,

I wish I was the last thing on your mind before you went to sleep.

Look all I know is that you're the nicest thing I've ever seen.

And I wish that we could see if we could be something.

I wish that we could see if we could be something.

-kate nash

xlix.

Miserere mei, Deus.





Listen.

xlviii.

"we are not dead yet; we are here and it is now. therefore, let us at least venture, guess, opine."
-h. l. mencken

xlvii.

put down your paper plate
come to the table made
deep blue china
found on the table by the wine
so fine

it brings out flavor
like You bring out color in life

oh, i miss You so
the feel of forever
oh, that taste i know
it hurts to remember
unfortunately high
ironically dissatisfied
i miss You
i miss You

oh, i miss You so
the feel of forever
oh, that taste i know
it hurts to remember

i had a fleeting thought this morning
and i mentioned you today
it breaks my heart just to know You in part
and not to be with You where You are



-shane & shane

xlvi.

Therefore, behold, I will allure her, and bring her into the wilderness, and speak tenderly unto her.

And I will give her her vineyards from thence, and the valley of Achor for a door of hope: and she shall sing there, as in the days of her youth, and as in the day when she came up out of the land of Egypt.

And it shall be at that day, saith the Lord, that thou shalt call me Ishi; and shalt call me no more Baali.

For I will take away the names of Baalim out of her mouth, and they shall no more be remembered by their name.

And in that day will I make a covenant for them with the beasts of the field and with the fowls of heaven, and with the creeping things of the ground: and I will break the bow and the sword and the battle out of the earth, and will make them to lie down safely.

And I will betroth thee unto me for ever; yea, I will betroth thee unto me in righteousness, and in judgment, and in lovingkindness, and in mercies.

I will even betroth thee unto me in faithfulness: and thou shalt know the Lord.

And it shall come to pass in that day, I will hear, saith the Lord, I will hear the heavens, and they shall hear the earth;

And the earth shall hear the corn, and the wine, and the oil; and they shall hear Jezreel.

And I will sow her unto me in the earth; and I will have mercy upon her that had not obtained mercy; and I will say to them which were not my people, Thou art my people; and they shall say, Thou art my God.

Hosea 2:14-23

xlv.

And Ruth said, Intreat me not to leave thee, or to return from following after thee: for whither thou goest, I will go; and where thou lodgest, I will lodge: thy people shall be my people, and thy God my God:

Where thou diest, will I die, and there will I be buried: the Lord do so to me, and more also, if ought but death part thee and me.

Ruth 1:16-17

xliv.

"if you would be a real seeker after truth,

it is necessary that at least once in your life you doubt,

as far as possible, all things."

-rene decartes

recently, a friend of mine reminded me of the brilliant mind of descartes. i took a philosophy class my freshman year of college and truely enjoyed his work. the above quote was one of my favorites that i pulled away from his works. admitedly i enjoyed it so because of my tendancies toward rebellion; and, while attending a very conservative christian university, i found this quote allowed me a bit of an "out" intellectually in terms of the legalistic mindsets that permiated the community of which i was immersed.

indeed (taking my own biased nature out of the perception of this quote) it is completely true that a valuable part of the development of any thought/ perception/ etc requires doubt at first in order to prove otherwise. in terms of belief, i believe doubt plays a key role in the birthing of any amount of true, genuine faith. as frederick buechner stated, "doubts are in ants in the pants of faith. they keep it awake and moving." doubt is indeed a beautiful thing.

yet, a few years after originally hearing this quote, i am brought back to it. i now find this quote to be incomplete. i feel it should continue on, to read in whole,

" . . . it is necessary in your life you doubt, as far as possible,
all things- including your doubt."

ask any one person in my family or my friends (perhaps even those who hardly know me), and they will tell you that i am one of the most stubborn people that they have ever met. indeed, this is true. actually, this was something that i had a hard time accepting at first- but, as i grow older i understand this to be accurate- including both the positive and negative connotations this word holds. but, that is just a side note- see, throughout my life there have been decisions made in which i have been completely and utterly 100% sure of- i was wholeheartedly dedicated to my decision- and yet, i have been wrong (shocking . . . i know). it is an interesting perdicament, really- especially in terms of a difference of opinion- when you would bet your life that your point of view/frame of reference is correct (esp vs someone elses), and you turn out to be anything but correct.

i have learned from these situations that i need to doubt even my own doubt. i may believe myself to be completely right, and perhaps i am- but, more importantly, perhaps i am not. i need to doubt my estimations. it is a healithier and more true way to be.

now, in terms of applying these lessons learned to my faith: i have learned that doubt is essential to any sort of belief development; but, there comes a point where the doubt must subside- even for a moment- in order for the belief to take root. in order for the doubt to subside- i must doubt my own doubt. i must allow myself to humor the thought that i might not know everything- that my doubting might in fact be ignorant and incomplete.

doubt brings us to greater understandings of many things in life- especially our faith. but, it will only bring us to a certain point. if we are not aware of when we should remove the lid of doubt, we will continue to stay in the same box, mulling over the same things, never moving forward in thought or maturation. let us avoid this tragic state. let us learn to doubt our doubt.

xliii.

"the King is enthralled by your beauty;
honor him, for he is your Lord."

ps. 45:11

xlii.

xli.

ps. 51

Have mercy upon me, O God, according to Your steadfast love; according to the multitude of Your tender mercy and loving-kindness blot out my transgressions.

Wash me thoroughly [and repeatedly] from my iniquity and guilt and cleanse me and make me wholly pure from my sin!

For I am conscious of my transgressions and I acknowledge them; my sin is ever before me.

Against You, You only, have I sinned and done that which is evil in Your sight, so that You are justified in Your sentence and faultless in Your judgment.

Behold, I was brought forth in [a state of] iniquity; my mother was sinful who conceived me [and I too am sinful].

Behold, You desire truth in the inner being; make me therefore to know wisdom in my inmost heart.

Purify me with hyssop, and I shall be clean [ceremonially]; wash me, and I shall [in reality] be whiter than snow.

Make me to hear joy and gladness and be satisfied; let the bones which You have broken rejoice.

Hide Your face from my sins and blot out all my guilt and iniquities.

Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right, persevering, and steadfast spirit within me.

Cast me not away from Your presence and take not Your Holy Spirit from me.

Restore to me the joy of Your salvation and uphold me with a willing spirit.

Then will I teach transgressors Your ways, and sinners shall be converted and return to You.

Deliver me from bloodguiltiness and death, O God, the God of my salvation, and my tongue shall sing aloud of Your righteousness (Your rightness and Your justice).

O Lord, open my lips, and my mouth shall show forth Your praise.

For You delight not in sacrifice, or else would I give it; You find no pleasure in burnt offering.

My sacrifice [the sacrifice acceptable] to God is a broken spirit; a broken and a contrite heart [broken down with sorrow for sin and humbly and thoroughly penitent], such, O God, You will not despise.

Do good in Your good pleasure to Zion; rebuild the walls of Jerusalem.

Then will You delight in the sacrifices of righteousness, justice, and right, with burnt offering and whole burnt offering; then bullocks will be offered upon Your altar.

xl.

"To allow the Lord to weave together within me
all of the ill-fated, joyous
and complex threads
of my existence;
that He might create within me
the strength of character needed
in order to become
the woman He purposed me to be"

During my sophomore year in college, my leadership class was asked to write a dictum of what we desire for our lives. This is what i wrote.

I've been reminded this self-derived quote as of late. The more my life twists and turns- the more it fills in its own colors- bold colors painted in strokes of restoration, heartache, embarrassment, love, lust, joy, laughter and the like- i am reminded of these words.

I feel i will be on a continual journey of self-discovery: learning from mistakes; reminding myself of my worth; reaching outwards to understand the value of life and impacting others; learning to be proud of my thoughts, my actions, my feelings, my beliefs- to not be tempted to be a more vague version of myself.

This is truly a merry-go-round, this life. Its subtle (and sometimes drastic) ups and downs keep me spinning- usually around and around the same lessons- over and over, until i truly understand their sentiments; until i truly discover whatever it is i am meant to discover; until i learn to use that discovery for the betterment of myself and of others.

But, even after i have accomplished that seemingly impossible chore, there is always another lesson around the bend- something to learn and grow from. Yet, that is the beauty of life: there is always more.

I am constantly reminding myself not to regret; rather to only allow my mistakes to create a more true version of me for all to witness. I want to allow the Lord to take the disarray of my existence and mend it together- to fashion a beautful quilt of existence- that while i am here (and after i am gone) those who know and love me will be able to look at this creation and remember each portion- and find splendor in it.

xxxix.

phoenix. listen. play.

xxxviii.

scar

....


i can already feel
you are going to be
one of my more grand mistakes
its the way in which you kneel
when you quietly
sweep the hair out of my face

the suspicion is impressed
upon my lips
when you remove yours from mine
and stroll away casually
under the neon signs

carrying with you
a deeper part of me
than my jaded actions
have permitted you to see

maybe this will make me feel better
if i know going in
that you will feel nothing at all
that when i borrow your sweater
for sleep, to cover my skin,
this knowledge will protect me from the fall

but i fear
i may be falling
for you
even though
the chin in you hug
is quite an obvious cue

the dizzying words you speak
throw me head over heels
and the coerced glances you sneak
make my heart unsteady
cause my mind to reel

but i know there is not
a safety net here
i know that you are living
in the past
or in a year

and your affections are already tied up
lending me only a line
a fray from your heart's noose
the knot that wont let you be mine

i know in crashing down
i'll scrape my knee
but i still let you raise my gown
and gently kiss me

you see, somehow i dont mind
that your sentiments cannot reach this far
because i will remember
the way you smelled
the way you tasted
the way you are

you are my beautiful scar



-me

xxxvii.

September Musts . . .


Artist: Egon Schiele.




Musician: Nina Simone.




Local Talent:

Fat Kid Wednesdays.



Chris Koza.




Jeremy Messersmith.



Vampire Hands.



Halloween Alaska.




Album: Far (Regina Spektor).




Book: Short Stories by Edgar Allen Poe.




Movie: Manhattan.




Location: Outside Anywhere.

xxxvi.

The interior was between reason and the passions meant that those who wanted peace divided into two sects. Some wanted to renounce the passions and become gods, the others wanted to renounce reason and become brute beasts. . . But neither group succeeded, and reason is still there accusing the baseness and injustice of the passions and disturbing the peace of those who give way to them, and the passions are still alive in those who want to reject them.

. . .

The stoics say: “Go back into yourselves. There you will find peace.” And it is not true.

Others say: “Go out, look for happiness in some distraction.” And that is not true. Illness is the result.

Happiness is neither outside us nor within us. It is in God, and both outside us and within us.


-blaise pascal

xxxv.

the tailor

. . .

tousled in linen
ive been woven and spun
im your naive possession
under the false impression
that we have just begun

and my eyes have been stung
by your ambiguous gaze
with your needle so sharp
in spite of actions blase

you have cautioned my heart numb
with the pins of warning
from your tongue
yet i can tell it beats on
towards a disposition of waste
under the influence
of your fabricated taste

and my placement is quite low
this i well know
below memories of her
amid the love you still sew

and your kisses leave me full
with the heavy words you do not say
yet your spindle pulls me closer
regardless of the ends you've let fray

and though this is not where i want to be
i stay because its where you placed me

this is where i am

im just beyond your reach
nestled in the canopy of unspoken
after questionable words breached
before curious hearts broken

this is where i now stand

but, really i mostly kneel
begging what's left
of myself
not to feel

to turn in the sheets
and stay out of your grasp
to not notice your distraction
to teach myself not to ask

and your work is almost done
an addition to your sleeve
my heart is all but sewn on
but its affections you cannot see

you do not notice it bleed

i realize now that i am just
your spare parts
regretfully i gather whats left of myself
yet i am still searching for my heart


-me

xxxiv.

i love them both.

xxxiii.

my life has changed quite drastically in the last few weeks.

at the forefront of this wind of change are the new relationships within my life: for the first time i have met my father and my three younger brothers. whats more? beyond that, we have a developing relationship which i am thrilled about.

it is a sincerely beautiful adventure that i am going through right now- i feel as though i am outside of myself- sitting peacefully and observing this thing called my life; the blessings within it right now are too numerous to count, and i am full.

there are truly no words i could muster up to express how i am feeling about this situation. but, i keep going back to this passage in Joel. i am reading the context figuratively as i apply it to my current circumstance. . . it is breathtaking- it speaks, with grace, the words i am at a loss for:

Be not afraid, O land; be glad and rejoice. Surely the Lord has done great things.
Be not afraid, O wild animals, for the open pastures are becoming green. The trees are bearing their fruit; the fig-tree and the vine yield their riches.
Be glad, O people of Zion, rejoice in the Lord your God, for he has given you the autumn rains in righteousness. He sends you abundant showers, both autumn and spring rains, as before.
The threshing-floors will be filled with grain; the vats will overflow with new wine and oil.

I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten— the great locust and the young locust, the other locusts and the locust swarm— my great army that I sent among you.
You will have plenty to eat, until you are full, and you will praise the name of the Lord your God, who has worked wonders for you; never again will my people be shamed.
Then you will know that I am in Israel, that I am the Lord your God, and that there is no other; never again will my people be shamed.

Joel 2:21-27

xxxii.

stunning words from the bountiful pen of Edna St. Vincent Millay: to all of us experiencing change in our lives right now- let us partake of this poem (especially my dear mandy).

. . .



My falcon to my wrist
Returns
From no high air.
I sent her toward the sun that burns
Above this mist;
But she has not been there.

Her talons are not cold; her beak
Is closed upon no wonder;
Her head stinks of its hood, her feathers reek
Of me, that quake at the thunder.

Degraded bird, I give you back your eyes forever, ascend now whither you are tossed;
Forsake this wrist, forsake this rhyme;
Soar, eat ether, see what has never been seen; depart, be lost,
But climb.

xxxi.

lauryn hill holds my adoration forever.

xxx.

i want to be the most prized possession
of my Creator

to be a source of joy
for the giver of joy


to be the bushel of apples
in His eye
that sparkles on all of creation

i hope to be a magnificent aroma
rising like a pheonix
in desperate pursuit
to tickle
my masters nose

that he might sneeze out euphoria
upon the entire universe


i want him to wrap me up in the eternal ribbon of divinity
in the most luxurious love
to tie the silky bow of purity
more than once
around my heart


i want to open my hands
when the heavens call my name
to reach my arms across the sky
of knowledge
and rest on the clouds
with humility


i desire to present myself
as the most caring of souls
set upon roots of wisdom
like an old oak tree

to cherish friendships and loved ones
to extend copious amounts of love
to the new and to the old


i want to lose myself
in the
fetters of love

and stick
shiny ribbons of understanding
in my hair

so my loved ones can take them
as they need
like excitable children at a bazaar
carefully picking toys
they will cherish
forever


can you find a more true presentation of love
than as a gift?


what if we all climbed inside
the pinate
of love-
crammed in and bursting with
excitement

and whenever someone
hurt us
we would explode with sweet treats for them?


revenge and anger have no room inside my heart
i can only hold
peace,
hope, and
love


my lovers face is my prize
and i am his gift

he looks
upon me
with
rejoicing

and i sing for
his joy
i am here for
his joy

-me

xxix.

i spent this morning with hafiz.

. . .


that does perish.

the

earth would die

if the sun stopped kissing her.

hafiz is now such an exquisite world

that perishes

when God is not

near.

. . .


my eyes so soft.

dont

surrender

your lonliness so quickly.

let it cut more

deep.

let it ferment and season you

as few human

or even divine ingredients can.

something missing in my heart tonight

has made my eyes so soft,

my voice so

tender,

my need of God

absolutely

clear.

. . .

the God who only knows four words.

every

child

has known God,

not the God of names,

not the God of don'ts,

not the God who ever does

anything weird,

but the God who only knows four words

and keeps repeating them, saying:

"come dance with me."

come

dance

. . .


find a better job.

now

that

all your worry

has proved such an

unlucrative

business,

why

not

find a better

job

. . .

wow.

where does the real poetry

come from?

from the amorous sighs

in this moist dark when making love

with form

or

Spirit.

where does real poetry live?

in the eye that says, "wow wee!"

in the overpowering felt splendor

every sane mind knows

when it realizes- our life dance

is only for a few magic

seconds.

from the heart saying,

shouting,

"i am so damn

alive!"

. . .

the suburbs.

complaint

is only possible

when living in the suburbs

of God.

. . .

i imagine now for ages.

it

happened

again last

night:

Love

popped the cork on itself-

splattered my brains

across the

sky.

i imagine now for ages

something of hafiz

will appear

to fall like

stars.

. . .

until.

i think we are frightened every

moment of our lives

until we

know

Him.

. . .

a hole in a flute.

i am

a hole in a flute

that the Christ's breath moves through-

listen to this

music.

. . .