xxiv.

duluth

...

this weekend i visited my hometown of duluth. if you know me but at all, you understand that, for me, duluth is a loaded issue. its all around bittersweet. the memories i have are an interesting conglomeration of many of my firsts: rebellion, teen angst, lusts, and spiritual awakening, to name a few. therefore, whenever i venture north (which is a rare occasion) it is inevitable that i will forgo some type of deeply cathartic experience triggering some awakening within myself. 

in that respect, this trip was no different than any other one i have taken before. yet, i am older- and, thankfully, i find myself more evolved as a person- more removed from my previous experiences of duluth- i am able to see with a more clear vision ... with wiser eyes. 

i found myself visiting very specific places in duluth- and for whatever reason- they were deeply personal sites to me- places that i had not experienced in years. i observed these spots with a new perspective. i saw the wear and tear that had taken place over the years of my absence . . . and i realized that these spots (which in my mind seemed so grand- so fantastically powerful that held such life defining moments) were no longer as magnificent as my memory had built them up to be. rather, they were just . . .  places.

i realized that although duluth was where i grew up-where i went to elementary school and high school- where i had my first kiss- where i first stole- where i first drank- where i first prayed- the settings of countless successes and failures- of lies and truths- of friends and of people that turned out to be something all together different- of gut wrenching laughter and of deeply felt tears- duluth no longer defined me. 

i carry those experiences within myself- they decorate the walls of my soul. therefore,  i am greatly connected with the heart of duluth. but,  after this trip i felt more free from duluth than i ever have before. it is a place in time for me. it is a part of someone elses story now- i am only a visitor. 

i could see how for some people this could be quite the devastating realization- but, not for me. it was very freeing. i came to terms with the idea that i am only moving forward in life- i am only progressing towards something greater- towards the next step.

i will always love duluth for being one of those steps in my journey- one of the messiest, one of the most heartbreaking, one of the most unforgiving, one of the most lonely, and one of the most beautiful steps i have ever taken. 

salutations, duluth. 

xxiii.

Love

...

Love has begun

it began in me at breath

when breath was given to me

when God created me

the consecrated materials within me rejoice

joy is my song

this Love is my voice

and in this Love

there is no fear in what might be lost

because within this Love

there is only great joy in the counting as loss

and because of this Love

striving is no longer my master

and pain is no longer my king

and through this Love

wisdom is now my strength

teaching me for but one thing

Love

to receive Love

to give

to receive

to give Love

God is my Lover

God is my Healer

God is my Provider

God is my Redeemer

and I am His

intimacy unites us

through the Love of the Holy Spirit

and i sit with God

and i Love with God

and i learn from God

and i am one with God

He is my Master

He is my King

He is my Friend

He is my Lover

because He Loves me so

and i am in Love

i am

within

Love

-me

xxii.

spare parts- peggy sue and the pictures ( love this song right now)

...

I lent you a hand but you never gave it back
I lent you a hand but you never gave it back
You said you had grown very fond of my fingers, 
the way that the touch of the tips of them lingers
and you couldn't possibly part with them now
so you carry them around, in your handbag 

I lent you a light when everything around you was black
I lent you a light when everything around you was black
And you lit you cigarette 
And then you left

And you needed a place to put your hands
I said "You could lay 'em on my hips"
And you needed a place to put your kisses
I said "You could use my lips"

I lent you a shoulder, a shoulder to lean upon
I said you could keep it until you were feeling strong

You'd taken advantage of my kind loan
You carry it 'round town, pass it off as your own
And everybody thinks that you're so very kind
But nobody knows that that shoulder is mine

And you needed a place to put your hat
I said you could lay it right here
You were looking for something to do 
With all those things that trouble you
I said, I would lend you an ear

Worst of all, I gave you my heart
'Cause yours wasn't working too good
I am not spare pa-arts for you to use and you to loose, no

xxi.

pieces

....

we pull ourselves apart

just to observe the mend

we break each-others hearts

anxious with the needle

ready with the thread

and this slab of heart i hold

is just a portion

its not the whole

i want it all back now

back what we gave

back what they stole

still i choose to stand in line

foregoing all advice

i'll waiting patiently until

you've had more than your fill

of the sugar

and of the spice

but you've scattered yourself

all over this town

and im your naive devotee

picking your scraps up

off the ground

and you've let yourself go

with me a little less

with them

a little more

and you choose

you chose

these words

not those

your poetry

verses

our pros

and the cons of this

are where we exist

scraping whats left of ourselves

off one anothers

kiss

-me

xx.

this morning has been long. 

some might even call this the afternoon. 

i have so far spent my day cuddled on my couch with what was, at one point, hot black coffee. my grandmothers quilt is my shelter this morning as i switch off between reading through the scriptures and writing. the album parachutes by coldplay has been on repeat.

i am about to dive into hafiz. 

its been a good morning. 

xix.

whitman

....

whoever you are holding me now in hand
without one thing all will be useless
i give you fair warning before you attempt me further
i am not what you supposed, but far different

who is he that would become my follower?
who would sign himself a candidate for my affections?

the way is suspicious, the result uncertain, perhaps destructive
you would have to give up all else, i alone would expect to be 
your sole and exclusive standard
your novitiate would even then be long and exhausting
the whole past theory of your life and all conformity to the lives 
around you would have to be abandoned

therefore release me now before troubling yourself any further
let go your hand from my shoulder
put me down and depart on your way

. . .

but these leaves conning you con at peril
for these leaves and me you will not understand
they will elude you at first and still more afterward- i will certainly elude you
even while you should think you had unquestionably caught me, behold-
already you see i have escaped from you

. . .

xviii.

mercy.

....

she hides her face
it seems too good
for Your embrace to find her
and say, "my dove, your voice is sweet
show me your form... your form is lovely"

Your mercy reigns
Your mercy comes
Your mercy falls
and rises with the sun
Your mercy reigns
Your mercy comes
Your mercy falls
and rises with the sun

its new every morning
its new every morning
its good enough for me

no ear has heard a melody
as sweet as yours
for her it seems too good
so undeserved
my heart faints now, for we are her

Your mercy reigns
Your mercy comes
Your mercy falls
and rises with the sun
Your mercy reigns
Your mercy comes
Your mercy falls
and rises with the sun

i will abide in Your love, Your love



-shane barnard



[song of solomon 2:14/ lamentations 3:22-23]

xvii.

breakable

....

delicate - intricate. fragile - soft. needy - insecure.

what is it that holds our easliy broken lives together? each one of us plasters our mask of masculinity and confidence - but arent we simply and quite beautifully still who we were at birth? no more no less ... perhaps we've decided what we had was not enough.

our skin - our hearts. our eyes - our sight. our lungs - our breath. our spirits ...

what we were given was not quite enough ... so we add - and add- and add. we create for ourselves; perhaps trying to outdo divinity? quite possibly trying to escape from it?

lets no longer try to escape from the grasp of first appointed beauty and grace and instead connect with it intimately.

run towards dirt- grass- sky- field ...

lets play with the earth and the One who made it. lets run full force towards this mystery. and after - lets not wash our hands . . .




-me

xvi.

narcissism

....

1. i am messy. i cant put my clothes away, make my bed, or put my water glasses in the sink to save my life. 

2. i love discovering new music and telling people about it. yum.

3. among the many things i want to purchase for summer- at the top of the list is a sewing machine, bike, and a kite. 

4. i could go days without talking to anyone, but i wouldnt describe myself as an introvert. 

5. i dont have any tattoos but i will be getting my first one very shortly. after that i dont think i will be able to stop. 

6. there was a long period in my life when i truly believed that no one could ever love me . . . Yeshua changed my mind.

7. i have had multiple explicit dreams that have later taken place- even about death. 

8. i was mugged this last fall. it was a surreal experience. he apologized before turning and running away with all of my stuff. he was an ass. 

9. poetry and prose feed my soul. the psalms, proverbs and hosea are like honey to me. 

10. i am an extremely loyal friend- i expect just as much from my friends. 

11. i laugh . . . a lot. 

12. my last name has a majorly ridiculous story behind it- ask me sometime. 

14. i want to learn everyday. i want my heart, mind and spirit to be challenged continually throughout my life.

15. i will never live in the suburbs. 

16. i might be the most perverted person you know . . . maybe.

17. i love dorky guys. the dorkier the better. if you have a pocket protector i will probably hit on you.

18. when i was little i was convinced i would be famous when i grew up because i have a 'beauty mark' on my face- just like cindy crawford and madonna . . . right?

19. i am beyond flattered when anyone mimics what i do/wear/say/think/listen to etc . . . i get irritated when they pass it off as their own. 

20. i truly believe you should never argue with someone about faith. 

21. i am one of the most stubborn people i know. i hear this becomes more amplified after a couple glasses of wine. 

22. i will be adopting many babies. 

23. my career path, whatever that may be, will directly effect someone elses life for the betterment of their heart, soul, and mind. 

24. my theology tends to be a bit feministic in nature. 

25. i have experienced a lot of different variations of heartache within the last year- i am resolved to only be more vulnerable as a result.

xv.

note-to-self

....

never let someone else determine how you feel.
try your best to not to hurt others- forgive yourself when you do.
find balance in all you do.
feminism will not teach you self-worth.
theology will never be concrete.
science will never be faith.
surround yourself with people that challenge your mind and heart.
love someone who thinks and feels completely differently than you- and dont try to change them at all.
simplicity is fullness.
solitude is beautiful.
think abstractly as much as possible.
apply more than just your intellect to life.
never try to be a version of someone else- always love and accept who you are.
remove from your life those who make you feel insecure about who you are.
your most embarrassing moments in life are actually glimpses at some of the best, most unfiltered parts of yourself.
never become jaded- rather, become wise.
never say no to change.
always say yes to invitations.
people will let you down- dont expect them to.
forgive. forgive. forgive.
naivety and innocence are not the same thing.
some questions are dumb- but, who gives a shit. at least you weren't too afraid to ask.
never live out of fear.
never be ashamed.
always walk towards hope/ always walk in love/ always walk with peace.
you teach others how to treat you.
your strength will never be enough- find something greater than yourself to trust.
never make excuses.
eat when youre hungry- stop when youre full.
tell people you love them everyday- there is no greater thing to be redundant about.
sometimes he is just not that into you . . . and thats ok.
learn how to love yourself even when someone rejects you- this love is found in knowing your worth.
protect your heart- it can break more easily than you think.
never forget your purpose.
never be too polite to trust your instincts.
never allow pain to disconnect you from life- engage your heart fully in everything you do.
never shrink back after a heartache- only promise to love more deeply and more honestly than before.
allow the pain to hurt.
feel every emotion fully.
always be vulnerable, but never allow yourself to be taken advantage of.
gracefully acknowledge the ending of friendships- welcome new ones into your life.
if youre unhappy reinvent your life.
focus on your future, but never more than your present.
remember the little things.
focus on breathing.
really notice your surroundings.
allow yourself to be true- not to how you want others to perceive you- but to who you are created to be.
humility is the greatest path to knowledge.
seek understanding.
seek wisdom.
always be open to learning.
read more than you write.
listen more than you talk.
never hold back laughter.
never choke down tears.
always connect to others.
love is more than just you and God.
never define yourself by what you dont do.
fully express yourself whenever you are able to.
money could quite possibly make you happy- but, it will never bring you joy.
dont ever suck in- embrace your curves.
politics are not everything.
always speak your mind- but remember that arguing rarely, if ever, accomplishes what you want it to.
dont litter.
dont gossip.
the golden rule still applies- how we treat the created reflects how we feel about the Creator (r.b.).
we have a responsibility to all of humanity in all that we do.
think of others first.
acknowledge when you make a mistake.
dont be arrogant.
always be able to laugh at yourself.
always be able to laugh.
beauty is in the eye of the beholder.
nothing is ever ruined.
allow all forms of love into your life.
cherish every kiss.
treasure every touch.
life is short.



-me

xiv.

147:3

....

you bind up the brokenhearted
you heal their wounds
your thread is grace
and your needle is love

creation did not end in the womb
no- you are still creating beauty within me
delicately weaving in and out

you take all the pieces
the ill-fated, joyous and complex threads of my existence
you gently bring them all together
and you create beauty

i will wait
i will find peace
i will let you finish your work
because i am yours



-me

xiii.

winter

....

as fiery summer
meets autumns death
and winters burial
cleans up the mess

yours words are lost
among the dead
and my heart is still
with dreams unsaid

our wake, my love
is bittersweet
by chance our fates,
now apart,
once did meet

and reconciling the end of this
is as bewildering
as loves last kiss

as i watch our memories sink
between the ice that is breaking
i look forward for myself
past my heart and its aching

so i will gently lay you to rest
next to frozen streams
and i will slowly walk away
or so it may seem

and i will wait
for the next
the next
the next
day . . .

it seems words left unsaid
know more how to say
my hearts regrets
as i turn away




-me

xii.

born

....

the sky"s still dark
you're here too soon
lonely lakes
and eerie rooms

dear lonesome love
im on the move
seeking comfort yet to soothe

im taking in new sights
views that cant be seen
im taking in new breath
air that cant be breathed

i long to see a soul
that has never been scorned
its the seeking of hearts
that have yet to be born

so wipe that love
out of your eyes
or blink it down for a while

there is something i was born to find




-me

xi.

pastime

....

lost in the shuffle
as you play on my fears
three of hearts
four of tears

take in the sadness
i know its not your fault
you played your cards right
i succumbed to the madness
now im waiting for the fall

lost the person you used to see
wanting to once again just be
yet knowing this – you deal your hand
two of spades
one of me

i have given myself over to you
to you and your militia of insecurity
you rage straight through my heart
and pillage my soul
but im not asking for mercy

lost in this game
all over again
i cant seem to break free
you’ve got me where you want me now
all for you
none for me

and in this small room you are breathing deep
yet the air is much too thin
close my eyes and count to three
i cant bear to see you win



-me