x.

hosea 2:14-23

....

   Therefore, behold, I will allure her and bring her into the wilderness, and I will speak tenderly and to her heart.

   There I will give her her vineyards and make the Valley of Achor [troubling] to be for her a door of hope and expectation. And she shall sing there and respond as in the days of her youth and as at the time when she came up out of the land of Egypt.

    And it shall be in that day, says the Lord, that you will call Me Ishi [my Husband], and you shall no more call Me Baali [my Baal].

    For I will take away the names of Baalim [the Baals] out of her mouth, and they shall no more be mentioned or seriously remembered by their name.

    And in that day will I make a covenant for Israel with the living creatures of the open country and with the birds of the heavens and with the creeping things of the ground. And I will break the bow and the sword and [abolish battle equipment and] conflict out of the land and will make you lie down safely.

    And I will betroth you to Me forever; yes, I will betroth you to Me in righteousness and justice, in steadfast love, and in mercy.

    I will even betroth you to Me in stability and in faithfulness, and you shall know (recognize, be acquainted with, appreciate, give heed to, and cherish) the Lord.

    And in that day I will respond, says the Lord; I will respond to the heavens [which ask for rain to pour on the earth], and they shall respond to the earth [which begs for the rain it needs],

    And the earth shall respond to the grain and the wine and the oil [which beseech it to bring them forth], and these shall respond to Jezreel [restored Israel, who prays for a supply of them].

    And I will sow her for Myself anew in the land, and I will have love, pity, and mercy for her who had not obtained love, pity, and mercy; and I will say to those who were not My people, You are My people, and they shall say, You are my God!

ix.

my hot summer playlist

....

bon iver

atmosphere

solid gold*

matt & kim

mgmt

keane

she & him

frightened rabbit

davy

iron & wine

lykke li

the bird & the bee

mirah

ani, ani, ani

santogold

kings of leon

wildbirds & peacedrums

zero 7
the knife
jose gonzalez

ray lamontagne

aqualung

band of horses

sigor ros

agnus & julia

vampire weekend

cat power

jazz

andrew bird

matthew santos

beck

sia

rilo kiley

tegan & sara

(*= currently listening to).

listen. enjoy.

viii.

lately, ive been working on confidence. 

confidence: a feeling of self-assurance from one's appreciation of one's own abilities or qualities.

yep, this is definitely a work in progress for me. i am constantly striving towards the acknowledgement of my own abilities/qualities. 

and sometimes i think that i might be halfway successful if it weren't for the rest of humanity.

i have always reminded myself that there is no need to compare because there will always be someone who is more . . . 

more intelligent, 

more put-together, 

more alluring, 

more articulate, 

more beautiful, 

more understanding, 

more welcoming, 

more wise,

more . . . confident. 

but, the problem i have with appreciating my own abilities or qualities is the fact that i tend to base the judgements of those abilities and/or qualities in relation to the abilities and/or qualities of others. 

because it seems to me that one cannot make a judgement of something unless it is compared to another thing. 

for something to be right- another must be wrong.

for one to be intelligent- another is unintelligent.

if one is beautiful- another is ugly.

if one is wise- another is foolish.

am i able to truly find a sense of confidence only within myself?

are we ever able to appreciate or abilities or qualities without comparing?

do i need an outside perspective?

perhaps there is One greater than myself that can see all. 

One that is able to remind me that maybe it is not comparison- but rather completion that exists among all of humanity.

maybe i will eventually be able to comprehend that truth. 

vii.

reprieve

....

i bought myself a pack of cigarettes

something else to help me forget

i needed something to wash it out

the unrequited taste you left in my mouth

my coffee is black

as your lies are white

you've left just enough unsaid

for me to make it through this night

so kiss my skin again

and i will try to pretend

that this means as much to you

as in me, i have allowed it to

your words are different

its the tone in which you speak

your heart is open

under the protection of these sheets

but dawn comes too soon

and i'm left alone in this room

now ravaged is my soul

from your haphazard swoon

so i'll gather up my things

and quietly leave

but left behind is my heart

with a note of its reprieve

and now, hour by hour

and moon by moon

my heart hopes for you again

yet, days turn to months

and months turn to truth

i will never see you again

-me

vi.

eulogy

....

my sole request

when you ponder thereof

the finality of death

please speak with love

to loosen your lips

if scarcely to say

the most lovely eulogy

as my body decay

so unforgiving, it may seem

is this dark grave

but peace transcends me now

for to this life i no longer slave

let your head

not fall too low

lest your weak eyes

should overflow

but yes,

weep if you may

cry if you might

even still,

my soul shall fill

the veiled sky this night

remembrance of me

shall be your crutch

when longing's song

sings for my touch

please rest my love

for i now am

my soul has returned

to the Breath

from which it began

-me

v.

Summer Fun: Neat Things To Do With Myself

-build a sand castle

-camp

-kayak 

-buy myself a bouquet of flowers

-watch the sunrise/sunset on the beach

-go to chicago

-movie in the park

-bike all day with no plan of where to go

-concert

-go to a lecture or panel discussion

-museum

-theater

-go to a public reading/ poetry session

-share my work at a spoken word event

-fly a kite

-take a class: writing/ cooking

-buy a mini trampoline/ sewing machine/ old english sheepdog

-run through a beautiful meadow that i would usually just pass by

iv.

your whispers are soft

like a cool summer breeze floating through my hair

chills dance on my skin

as your breath sweeps over me

your instruction is gentle

like the harmony of piano keys

you are softly and surely

one step ahead of me

completing what i cannot

my eyes are no longer just mine

but they see vastly, and with greater purpose now

filling with your tears for this world and its anguish

my ears no longer only hear

the beautiful laughter of friends

but are now privy to the cries of the widow- of the orphan- of the homeless

my heart is no longer searching

for comfort in a love of my own

but it is craving to comfort those who have never felt love before

you are more than i can see

more then i can feel

more than i can comprehend

yet you chose to affect me

with your love

and i am deeply humbled

-me

iii.

my roommate, kate, and i have been privy to the culture of the brooding romantic philosophers as of late . . .

our days are filled with many words. lengthy conversations in the morning over french press, passing into lingering conversations in the evening over wine and cigarettes. the topic of discussion- love & commitment. 

i hear that those who cannot do, teach- so i suppose that those who cannot teach, learn. and yes, we are just learning. 

i was watching the discovery channel the other night, 'the science of sex appeal' was on (by far one of my most favorite series). its on every few months with the latest scientific evidences that support theories of what creates attractiveness in a person/ what dispositions allow one to be drawn to another physically/ and what drives humans to choose one another as life partners (things like facial symmetry, scent, waist to hip ratio (for women), etc.)

this show is interesting- obviously. infotainment at it finest. but it got me thinking . . . besides the science of initial attraction, 

what is it that causes a person to finally commit?

 . . . ?

 . . . ?

and maybe that is where i am going to end this entry .  .  . because if i had figured out this one i would be committed to someone right now. if kate and i knew the remedy our discussions might consist of more interesting and worldly topics. 

but not to worry, as soon as i learn, i will teach.