my desire which lead me to its pages was my search for wisdom.
this last year of my life has been like non other. i have acted more foolishly than i ever have before in my life. taking steps that have lead me on paths of confusion. i began making choices- that at one time seemed to be the key to my inner freedom and individuality- but, in actuality, these choices were the exact things pulling me further away from true freedom.
these choices were keeping me stagnant in life. these choices were allowing complacency into my life. complacency in my life created a disconnect from not only myself and my creator, but also from those around me. my heart was growing distant from everything- my soul was calloused- my desires we no longer to promote wisdom, love and peace between myself, God and my community- instead, they were completely self satisfying.
however obviously destructive the path i was choosing was to others- i was disillusioned. i needed to learn the hard way. i needed not to be told that my actions were destructive. instead i needed to see it for myself- to experience it first hand. perhaps i believed that in choosing this i would have some sort of street credit . . . "i didnt just believe what these wise people told me- i didnt just follow their instruction. i found out for myself- here are the scars to prove my experience".
well, the scars are real. but, i guess they are not really scars just yet. they are in that pink stage- after the injury took place- just after the scabs have fallen off. but before they begin to really heal over and turn to a beautiful scar.
it was in observing these lesions on my soul that lead me to the book of proverbs.
it has been quite a while that i have committed to not just the reading of a book in the bible, but also the study of it. this week has been refreshing as i have made my way through the text and scribbled my ramblings in my journal along the way.
the book of proverbs is a compilation of instructions. it is a book of teaching for the young; a guide for the simple; a tool for the wise to become even wiser.
i have always assumed my world gray. but, in reading the proverbs i am reminded that perhaps it is not as gray as i once thought. in fact, i came to this book because i knew i would not find gray anywhere on its pages. i have lived in an overcast existence for the last year- i want stark black and white now (of course in saying that i realize that life is a constant battle for balance- there is a time for black & white and there is a time for questioning everything- it is all apart of the beautiful human experience).
my prayer when beginning this book was for wisdom- not just knowledge. i desired to have a deep understanding of the Lord and his ways. to fully connect to him as i used to- to experience intimacy within his heart again (it has been so long since this has been a reality for me).
i am finding wisdom and direction in the pages. i am realizing more and more that i can read as much as i want and take as many notes as possible and try to rationalize my faith- but, true wisdom comes when i begin to engage with the Lord on these issues- he is able to shed light where i cannot see. perhaps this is sounding elementary, but it is a truth that i am coming to terms with all over again- and i love it.
so i am about half-way through this book, purposefully taking my time (i have a tendency to read much too fast just to say i have read a certain text- & that i have read it in X amount of time). i am beginning the small steps again of engaging with the Lord in my quest for wisdom.
i am understanding that wisdom is only a means to an end- and the end is the face of God.
what could be more lovely?
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