ii.

i have been reading through the proverbs this week. 

my desire which lead me to its pages was my search for wisdom. 

this last year of my life has been like non other. i have acted more foolishly than i ever have before in my life. taking steps that have lead me on paths of confusion. i began making choices- that at one time seemed to be the key to my inner freedom and individuality- but, in actuality, these choices were the exact things pulling me further away from true  freedom. 

these choices were keeping me stagnant in life. these choices were allowing complacency into my life. complacency in my life created a disconnect from not only myself and my creator, but also from those around me. my heart was growing distant from everything- my soul was calloused- my desires we no longer to promote wisdom, love and peace between myself, God and my community- instead, they were completely self satisfying. 

however obviously destructive the path i was choosing was to others- i was disillusioned. i needed to learn the hard way. i needed not to be told that my actions were  destructive. instead i needed to see it for myself- to experience it first hand. perhaps i believed that in choosing this i would have some sort of street credit . . . "i didnt just believe what these wise people told me- i didnt just follow their instruction. i found out for myself- here are the scars to prove my experience". 

well, the scars are real. but, i guess they are not really scars just yet. they are in that pink stage- after the injury took place- just after the scabs have fallen off. but before they begin to really heal over and turn to a beautiful scar. 

it was in observing these lesions on my soul that lead me to the book of proverbs. 

it has been quite a while that i have committed to not just the reading of a book in the bible, but also the study of it. this week has been refreshing as i have made my way through the text and scribbled my ramblings in my journal along the way. 

the book of proverbs is a compilation of instructions. it is a book of teaching for the young; a guide for the simple; a tool for the wise to become even wiser. 

i have always assumed my world gray. but, in reading the proverbs i am reminded that perhaps it is not as gray as i once thought.  in fact, i came to this book because i knew i would not find gray anywhere on its pages. i have lived in an overcast existence for the last year- i want stark black and white now (of course in saying that i realize that life is a constant battle for balance- there is a time for black & white and there is a time for questioning everything- it is all apart of the beautiful human experience).  

my prayer when beginning this book was for wisdom- not just knowledge. i desired to have a deep understanding of the Lord and his ways. to fully connect to him as i used to- to experience intimacy within his heart again (it has been so long since this has been a reality for me).

i am finding wisdom and direction in the pages. i am realizing more and more that i can read as much as i want and take as many notes as possible and try to rationalize my faith- but, true wisdom comes when i begin to engage with the Lord on these issues- he is able to shed light where i cannot see. perhaps this is sounding elementary, but it is a truth that i am coming to terms with all over again- and i love it.

so i am about half-way through this book, purposefully taking my time (i have a tendency to read much too fast just to say i have read a certain text- & that i have read it in X amount of time). i am beginning the small steps again of engaging with the Lord in my quest for wisdom. 

i am understanding that wisdom is only a means to an end- and the end is the face of God. 

what could be more lovely? 

i.

the vastness of my emotions have lead me here.

to blog.

this is my virginal step into this world. you are my witnesses. as i continue on this journey i hope to come across many fascinating finds- mostly within myself- but, of course, through the sharing of knowledge and continual direction of others. i desire to grow through this process. i desire to be more open- more vulnerable- less worried- more consistent all around. 

and within the walls of my first entry, i have decided to post a poem- the title of which has inspired the title of my blog. it is one of my most favorite poems and i thought it fitting to ease me into this process. A quick note: this poem has been translated to english from its original text in spanish.

Puedo Escribir

Tonight I can write the most sorrowful lines 

I can write, for example: "The night is star-filled

and the blue stars are shivering in the distance."

The night wind turns in the sky and sings.

Tonight I can write the most sorrowful lines.

I loved her then, and sometimes she loved me back.

Through nights like tonight I held her in my arms.

I kissed her and kissed her under endless skies.

She loved me then, and sometimes I loved her back.

How could I not love her giant, still eyes?

Tonight I can write the most sorrowful lines.

I can think I'm not holding her. I can regret that I lost her.

I can hear the vast night, still vaster without her.

And the words settle on my soul like dew on the pasture.

It doesn't matter that my love couldn't keep her.

The night is star-filled and she is not with me.

That's all that matters. Someone is singing far away. Far away.

My soul cannot be content, because I have lost her.

As if they could bring her near, my eyes try to find her.

My heart searches for her, and she is not with me.

The same nightfall whitening the same trees.

But we have both changed so much since that night.

Surely I no longer love her, but how I once loved her.

My voice sought the wind to touch her hearing.

Another's. She will be another's. As before I had kissed her.

Her voice, her pale body. Her endless eyes.

Surely I no longer love her, but maybe I love her.

Love is so short; memories last so long.

Because through nights like tonight I held her in my arms,

my soul cannot be content, because I have lost her.

Even if this is the last pain she makes me suffer,

and this is the last poem that I write for her.

-pablo neruda

til next time.