lxxiv.

During these last few weeks, I have been reflecting quite a bit about the idea heartache. Not necessarily in a self-reflective state, but more so, I have been in wonderment about the causes, effects and repercussions of heartache within humans in general: what is it? What does it mean? Why is it that we deal with heartache in such diverse ways?

A friend of mine recently experienced a deep heartache- the man she loved cheated on her; another friend of mine experienced a miscarriage within the family; someone else I know suffered the loss of a close friendship; personally, I have dealt with the loss of an entire family unit this last year. Each of these incidences are deeply heart-wrenching, yet they are not extraordinarily unique to the world at large. Everyone has experienced loss; so, why do we feel so alone when we go through heartache?

Heartache is, sadly enough, a universal commonality. All of us, at one point or another, have experienced “heartache”. It is a completely overwhelming state of being. The consequences of this condition vary person to person, so much so that there is the potential to have difficulty relating to someone else’s experience, even if it is quite similar to a loss you have encountered; you cannot sleep, you sleep all the time, you cannot eat, you cannot stop eating, you seclude yourself, you overindulge in any vice you can get your hands on- escapism is the ultimate goal in coping with this mystery of heartache.

The differences in our means of dealing with heartache are staggering- but, why? A common theme in evolution is the way a structure or a system takes on new functions over time. Obviously, we could dissect this concept of heartache in terms of the evolution of humanity and how our basic pain response took on a social dimension in humans; but, that sits too far from me. What I am curious about how each individual’s evolution from childhood, the experiences they have gone through, has shaped their response to pain within their own lives.

From ancient Greece to the Renaissance, a strong tradition held that the heart contained a soul of its own that could perceive the outside world and produce feelings. Philosophers from Aristotle to Thomas Hobbes were convinced that nerves delivered their signals to the heart rather than the brain. With the birth of neurology in the 1600s, the brain came to take a central place in the body and was the site of emotions and perceptions. Meanwhile, the heart was de-souled, transformed into a mechanical pump.

But, I have heard from others, and experienced first hand, that the heart is not separate in our understanding of heartache (obviously I am speaking in metaphorical and not scientific language here). The great minds of ancient philosophers’ were not too far off- many of us have felt the actual physical pain within the left wall of our chest. Is this just a coincidence? Maybe it is; but, maybe it is not- after all, science is looking into the idea of the Broken Heart Syndrome . . .( http://www.scientificblogging.com/cash/the_science_of_the_broken_heart).

Obviously, symptoms vary byindividual and range from withdrawal from society to physical sickness and pain. Why does it hurt so badly? Well, it is simply the fact that we lose part of ourselves when connections are lost; we are missing something that, we thought, defined such a huge part of ourselves, and its not far-fetched to say that you feel completely empty inside. It is an ache that our bodies experience when we long for the comfort of the past- this pain is real. Heartache is a longing for the past- it is the pain of feeling completely empty and abandoned.

"Pain is the way the mind responds to trouble inside the body," says Alex Zautra, a professor of psychology at Arizona State University. "Emotion is the same way. Whether you feel love or sadness is also a response to something you feel outside the body. With pain it is a closer-in response, to something inside the body, but it is a response in an attempt to learn about and motivate recovery."

I believe heartache is real, so very real. In fact, I believe it is one of the most pivotal experiences we as humans go through which, whether we decide to react to heartache in positive or negative ways, is able to develop our personal structure of psyche, morals and worldview. It is not heartache itself which defines us, but rather, what we as individuals decide to take away from it.

I recently told a close friend of mine who has and still is experiencing heartache that we create the life we want; I believe this with all of my broken heart. We will experience heartache- but, I would not necessarily classify this as a negative thing, because it is through heartache that we are allowed to reconstruct our original plans- and, if we allow it, this process of reconstruction will bring freshness into our lives. C.S. Lewis is known for painting the picture of pain, not as a curse at all, but rather, as a gift. I wholeheartedly adhere to this concept.

In writing this, my goal was not to provide a definitive answer to the question of what heartache is; rather, I just wanted to get down on paper some thoughts which have been floating through my mind. But, as I have quasi-worked-through this idea of heartache, I understand that it is our decisions of how to react- how we chose to reconstruct- which are more crucial to our human experience than the devastation of heartache is within itself.

lxxiii.

I forgot how much I love this song. Fantastically creepy video included.


The Decemberists- Rake Song.

lxxii.

lxxi.

the first half of my day was spent picking apart my life piece by piece, remembering all the joys and sorrows of the last year, and placing the remnants in boxes to be moved. i have five more days at apt #4.

this year has been quite full- in the most lovely of ways. i could never have imagined how fantastic this last year was going to be for me. and now, as i begin to pack up my life and prepare to embark upon another move, sure to bring about many more wonderful experiences, i find myself sitting in silence, inspecting random objects that represent so much of what i have gone through this last year . . . and i feel terribly blessed.

my beautiful roommate, kate, and i have formed a much deeper friendship than i could have ever expected. learning and growing has been the order for both of us this last year; bridging the gaps of the beautiful differences between us, and learning to appreciate each other even more so because of them. kate, i will miss you most of all. and no, this is not the end, but a beginning to a new chapter of our sisterhood. i have been, am now, and will forever be blessed by having you in my life. you are beyond words to me.

i have met so many wonderful people in this last year; friends more sublime than i could have ever chosen for myself. to everyone i whom i have met in this last year, thank you for allowing me to experience the glory that is you. each and every one of you has changed me and i am a better person for it. i am thankful for you all more than i could ever express.

indeed, the joys and the heartaches of this last year have overlapped so much that they are completely melded together within my mind and heart in such a way that i could never entertain the thought of changing a thing.

and here i sit, in the midsts of boxes and empty walls, and i am quite certain that there is no more thankful person in the world right now than i.

lxx.

this is lengthy; however, very worth your time and consideration. let me know your thoughts.

lxix.

the atheism tapes.


i.





ii.





iii.

lxviii.

may the Valentine's Day Festivities begin!

lxvii.

Hold on this will hurt more than anything has before
What it was, what it was, what it was
I've brought this on us more than anyone could ignore
What I've done, what I've done, what I've done

I've worked for so long just to see you mess around
What you've done, what you've done, what you've done
I want back the years that you took when I was young
I was young, I was young, but it's done

Oh take it all away
I don't feel it anymore
Oh take it all away
Oh take it all away
I don't feel it anymore
Oh take it all away

We'll fall just like stars being hung by only string
Everything, everything, here is gone
No map can direct how to ever make it home
We're alone, we're alone, we're alone

Oh take it all away
I don't feel it anymore
Oh take it all away

-William Fitzsimmons

lxvi.

Ani Ani Ani . . .





I am walking
out in the rain
and I am listening to the low moan
of the dial tone again

and I am getting
nowhere with you
and I can't let it go
and I can't get through...

the old woman behind the pink curtains
and the closed door
on the first floor
she's listening through the air shaft
to see how long our swan song can last

and both hands
now use both hands
oh, no don't close your eyes

I am writing
graffitti on your body
I am drawing the story of
how hard we tried

I am watching your chest rise and fall
like the tides of my life,
and the rest of it all

and your bones have been my bedframe
and your flesh has been my pillow
I am waiting for sleep
to offer up the deep
with both hands

in eachother's shadows we grew less and less tall
and eventually our theories couldn't explain it all
and I'm recording our history now on the bedroom wall
and when we leave the landlord will come
and paint over it all

and I am walking
out in the rain
and I am listening to the low moan of the dial tone again
and I am getting nowhere with you
and I can't let it go
and I can't get though

both hands
now use both hands
oh, no don't close your eyes
I am writing graffitti on your body
I am drawing the story of how hard we tried
hard we tried
how hard we tried

-Ani

I search your profile

for a translation

I study the conversation

like a map

'cause I know there is strength

in the differences between us

and I know there is comfort

where we overlap

come here

stand in front of the light

stand still

so I can see your silhouette

I hope

you have got all night

'cause I'm not done looking,

no, I'm not done looking yet

each one of us

wants a piece of the action

you can hear it in what we say

you can see it in what we do

we negotiate with chaos

for some sense of satisfaction

if you won't give it to me

at least give me a better view

come here

stand in front of the light

stand still

so I can see your silhouette

I hope

you have got all night

'cause I'm not done looking

no,

I'm not done looking yet

I build each one of my songs

out of glass

so you can see me inside of them

I suppose

or you could just leave the image of me

in the backround, I guess

and watch your own reflection superimposed

I build each one of my days out of hope

and I give that hope your name

and I don't know you that well

but it don't take much to tell

either you don't have the balls

or you don't feel the same

come here

stand in front of the light

stand still

so I can see your silhouette

I hope

you have got all night

'cause I'm not done looking

no, I'm not done looking yet

I search your profile for a translation

I study the conversation like a map

'cause I know there is strength

in the differences between us

and I know there is comfort

where we overlap

-Ani

think i'm going for a walk now
i feel a little unsteady
i don't want nobody to follow me
'cept maybe you
i could make you happy you know
if you weren't already
i could do a lot of things
and i do

tell you the truth i prefer
the worst of you
too bad you had to have a better half
she's not really my type
but i think you two are forever
and i hate to say it but
you're perfect together

so fuck you
and your untouchable face
and fuck you
for existing in the first place
and who am i
that i should be vying for your touch
and who am i
i bet you can't even tell me that much

two-thirty in the morning
and my gas tank will be empty soon
neon sign on the horizon
rubbing elbows with the moon
a safe haven of sleepless
where the deep fryer's always on
radio is counting down
the top 20 country songs
and out on the porch the fly strip is
waving like a flag in the wind
y'know, i don't look forward
to seeing you again soon
you'll look like a photograph of yourself
taken from far far away
and i won't know what to do
and i won't know what to say

except fuck you...

i see you and i'm so perplexed
what was i thinking
what will i think of next
where can i hide
in the back room there's a lamp
that hangs over the pool table
and when the fan is on it swings
gently side to side
there's a changing constellation
of balls as we are playing
i see orion and say nothing
the only thing i can think of saying

is fuck you...

-Ms. D

lxv.

researching how advancements in social technologies have redesigned the courting process for our generation . . . more to come.

lxiv.

i want to thank all of my friends.

glorious each and every one of you are.

no matter what the outcome is, i want to thank you all for being my support during this time- i am humbled by your presence in my life.

thank you for teaching me the beauty of vulnerability- and thank you for allowing me to experience the joy of requited love.

you have all blessed me beyond measure, teaching me of the grace and beauty that walks with strength.

for all this, i will forever be indebted to you all in the most lovely of ways.

"i have perceiv’d that to be with those i like is enough,      

to stop in company with the rest at evening is enough,     

to be surrounded by beautiful, curious, breathing, laughing flesh is enough,     

to pass among them, or touch any one, or rest my arm ever so lightly round his or her neck for a moment—what is this, then?     

i do not ask any more delight—I swim in it, as in a sea."

-whitman

lxiii.

mmmm . . .

lxii.

 myself


. . . .



i will sing steadily
the song of myself'
in curious medley
apart
from harmonious wealth

for your breath
is not yet strong
to join your voice
in blend
with my song

my words will fall
among your feet
and will scatter your mind
within
their glorious beat

heaven awakes
as i raise my voice
to sing the ballad
to still rejoice
to hold myself dear
though
not quite your choice

and i believe
for all you cant
in all of me

apart from you
i still will be
always glorious
forever worthy




-me

lxi.

for those who enjoy a bit of psycho babble here and there.

lx.

lix.

let us be thoughtful of the Haitian people today.

lviii.

as of january 8, 2010 i am 25 . . . shit.

lvii.

" . . . i fall upon the thorns of life. i bleed . . . "



-percy bysshe shelley

lvi.

in wait

. . . .


solace my pain
epic loss
so close to gain


memoirs told
none i knew
forsaken one
was me, by you

remembrance lives
all over you
through stories divulged
in shades of blue


solace my gain
epic truth
now forced by pain


eyes of tears
meets eyes of fears
you cannot call me
your own

a love delayed
through all the years
still sits in wait
to be known


-me