l.

All I know is that you're so nice,

You're the nicest thing I've seen

.I wish that we could give it a go,

See if we could be something.

I wish I was your favorite girl,

I wish you thought I was the reason you are in the world.

I wish my smile was your favorite kind of smile

I wish the way that I dressed was your favourite kind of style.

I wish you couldn't figure me out,

But you always wanted know what I was about.

I wish you'd hold my hand when I was upset,

I wish you'd never forget the look on my face when we first met.

I wish you had a favorite beauty spot that you loved secretly,

'Cos it was on a hidden bit that nobody else could see.

Basically, I wish that you loved me,

I wish that you needed me,

I wish that you knew when I said two sugars,

actually I meant three.

I wish that without me your heart would break,

I wish that without me you'd be spending the rest of your nights awake.

I wish that without me you couldn't eat,

I wish I was the last thing on your mind before you went to sleep.

Look all I know is that you're the nicest thing I've ever seen.

And I wish that we could see if we could be something.

I wish that we could see if we could be something.

-kate nash

xlix.

Miserere mei, Deus.





Listen.

xlviii.

"we are not dead yet; we are here and it is now. therefore, let us at least venture, guess, opine."
-h. l. mencken

xlvii.

put down your paper plate
come to the table made
deep blue china
found on the table by the wine
so fine

it brings out flavor
like You bring out color in life

oh, i miss You so
the feel of forever
oh, that taste i know
it hurts to remember
unfortunately high
ironically dissatisfied
i miss You
i miss You

oh, i miss You so
the feel of forever
oh, that taste i know
it hurts to remember

i had a fleeting thought this morning
and i mentioned you today
it breaks my heart just to know You in part
and not to be with You where You are



-shane & shane

xlvi.

Therefore, behold, I will allure her, and bring her into the wilderness, and speak tenderly unto her.

And I will give her her vineyards from thence, and the valley of Achor for a door of hope: and she shall sing there, as in the days of her youth, and as in the day when she came up out of the land of Egypt.

And it shall be at that day, saith the Lord, that thou shalt call me Ishi; and shalt call me no more Baali.

For I will take away the names of Baalim out of her mouth, and they shall no more be remembered by their name.

And in that day will I make a covenant for them with the beasts of the field and with the fowls of heaven, and with the creeping things of the ground: and I will break the bow and the sword and the battle out of the earth, and will make them to lie down safely.

And I will betroth thee unto me for ever; yea, I will betroth thee unto me in righteousness, and in judgment, and in lovingkindness, and in mercies.

I will even betroth thee unto me in faithfulness: and thou shalt know the Lord.

And it shall come to pass in that day, I will hear, saith the Lord, I will hear the heavens, and they shall hear the earth;

And the earth shall hear the corn, and the wine, and the oil; and they shall hear Jezreel.

And I will sow her unto me in the earth; and I will have mercy upon her that had not obtained mercy; and I will say to them which were not my people, Thou art my people; and they shall say, Thou art my God.

Hosea 2:14-23

xlv.

And Ruth said, Intreat me not to leave thee, or to return from following after thee: for whither thou goest, I will go; and where thou lodgest, I will lodge: thy people shall be my people, and thy God my God:

Where thou diest, will I die, and there will I be buried: the Lord do so to me, and more also, if ought but death part thee and me.

Ruth 1:16-17

xliv.

"if you would be a real seeker after truth,

it is necessary that at least once in your life you doubt,

as far as possible, all things."

-rene decartes

recently, a friend of mine reminded me of the brilliant mind of descartes. i took a philosophy class my freshman year of college and truely enjoyed his work. the above quote was one of my favorites that i pulled away from his works. admitedly i enjoyed it so because of my tendancies toward rebellion; and, while attending a very conservative christian university, i found this quote allowed me a bit of an "out" intellectually in terms of the legalistic mindsets that permiated the community of which i was immersed.

indeed (taking my own biased nature out of the perception of this quote) it is completely true that a valuable part of the development of any thought/ perception/ etc requires doubt at first in order to prove otherwise. in terms of belief, i believe doubt plays a key role in the birthing of any amount of true, genuine faith. as frederick buechner stated, "doubts are in ants in the pants of faith. they keep it awake and moving." doubt is indeed a beautiful thing.

yet, a few years after originally hearing this quote, i am brought back to it. i now find this quote to be incomplete. i feel it should continue on, to read in whole,

" . . . it is necessary in your life you doubt, as far as possible,
all things- including your doubt."

ask any one person in my family or my friends (perhaps even those who hardly know me), and they will tell you that i am one of the most stubborn people that they have ever met. indeed, this is true. actually, this was something that i had a hard time accepting at first- but, as i grow older i understand this to be accurate- including both the positive and negative connotations this word holds. but, that is just a side note- see, throughout my life there have been decisions made in which i have been completely and utterly 100% sure of- i was wholeheartedly dedicated to my decision- and yet, i have been wrong (shocking . . . i know). it is an interesting perdicament, really- especially in terms of a difference of opinion- when you would bet your life that your point of view/frame of reference is correct (esp vs someone elses), and you turn out to be anything but correct.

i have learned from these situations that i need to doubt even my own doubt. i may believe myself to be completely right, and perhaps i am- but, more importantly, perhaps i am not. i need to doubt my estimations. it is a healithier and more true way to be.

now, in terms of applying these lessons learned to my faith: i have learned that doubt is essential to any sort of belief development; but, there comes a point where the doubt must subside- even for a moment- in order for the belief to take root. in order for the doubt to subside- i must doubt my own doubt. i must allow myself to humor the thought that i might not know everything- that my doubting might in fact be ignorant and incomplete.

doubt brings us to greater understandings of many things in life- especially our faith. but, it will only bring us to a certain point. if we are not aware of when we should remove the lid of doubt, we will continue to stay in the same box, mulling over the same things, never moving forward in thought or maturation. let us avoid this tragic state. let us learn to doubt our doubt.

xliii.

"the King is enthralled by your beauty;
honor him, for he is your Lord."

ps. 45:11

xlii.

xli.

ps. 51

Have mercy upon me, O God, according to Your steadfast love; according to the multitude of Your tender mercy and loving-kindness blot out my transgressions.

Wash me thoroughly [and repeatedly] from my iniquity and guilt and cleanse me and make me wholly pure from my sin!

For I am conscious of my transgressions and I acknowledge them; my sin is ever before me.

Against You, You only, have I sinned and done that which is evil in Your sight, so that You are justified in Your sentence and faultless in Your judgment.

Behold, I was brought forth in [a state of] iniquity; my mother was sinful who conceived me [and I too am sinful].

Behold, You desire truth in the inner being; make me therefore to know wisdom in my inmost heart.

Purify me with hyssop, and I shall be clean [ceremonially]; wash me, and I shall [in reality] be whiter than snow.

Make me to hear joy and gladness and be satisfied; let the bones which You have broken rejoice.

Hide Your face from my sins and blot out all my guilt and iniquities.

Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right, persevering, and steadfast spirit within me.

Cast me not away from Your presence and take not Your Holy Spirit from me.

Restore to me the joy of Your salvation and uphold me with a willing spirit.

Then will I teach transgressors Your ways, and sinners shall be converted and return to You.

Deliver me from bloodguiltiness and death, O God, the God of my salvation, and my tongue shall sing aloud of Your righteousness (Your rightness and Your justice).

O Lord, open my lips, and my mouth shall show forth Your praise.

For You delight not in sacrifice, or else would I give it; You find no pleasure in burnt offering.

My sacrifice [the sacrifice acceptable] to God is a broken spirit; a broken and a contrite heart [broken down with sorrow for sin and humbly and thoroughly penitent], such, O God, You will not despise.

Do good in Your good pleasure to Zion; rebuild the walls of Jerusalem.

Then will You delight in the sacrifices of righteousness, justice, and right, with burnt offering and whole burnt offering; then bullocks will be offered upon Your altar.

xl.

"To allow the Lord to weave together within me
all of the ill-fated, joyous
and complex threads
of my existence;
that He might create within me
the strength of character needed
in order to become
the woman He purposed me to be"

During my sophomore year in college, my leadership class was asked to write a dictum of what we desire for our lives. This is what i wrote.

I've been reminded this self-derived quote as of late. The more my life twists and turns- the more it fills in its own colors- bold colors painted in strokes of restoration, heartache, embarrassment, love, lust, joy, laughter and the like- i am reminded of these words.

I feel i will be on a continual journey of self-discovery: learning from mistakes; reminding myself of my worth; reaching outwards to understand the value of life and impacting others; learning to be proud of my thoughts, my actions, my feelings, my beliefs- to not be tempted to be a more vague version of myself.

This is truly a merry-go-round, this life. Its subtle (and sometimes drastic) ups and downs keep me spinning- usually around and around the same lessons- over and over, until i truly understand their sentiments; until i truly discover whatever it is i am meant to discover; until i learn to use that discovery for the betterment of myself and of others.

But, even after i have accomplished that seemingly impossible chore, there is always another lesson around the bend- something to learn and grow from. Yet, that is the beauty of life: there is always more.

I am constantly reminding myself not to regret; rather to only allow my mistakes to create a more true version of me for all to witness. I want to allow the Lord to take the disarray of my existence and mend it together- to fashion a beautful quilt of existence- that while i am here (and after i am gone) those who know and love me will be able to look at this creation and remember each portion- and find splendor in it.