x.

hosea 2:14-23

....

   Therefore, behold, I will allure her and bring her into the wilderness, and I will speak tenderly and to her heart.

   There I will give her her vineyards and make the Valley of Achor [troubling] to be for her a door of hope and expectation. And she shall sing there and respond as in the days of her youth and as at the time when she came up out of the land of Egypt.

    And it shall be in that day, says the Lord, that you will call Me Ishi [my Husband], and you shall no more call Me Baali [my Baal].

    For I will take away the names of Baalim [the Baals] out of her mouth, and they shall no more be mentioned or seriously remembered by their name.

    And in that day will I make a covenant for Israel with the living creatures of the open country and with the birds of the heavens and with the creeping things of the ground. And I will break the bow and the sword and [abolish battle equipment and] conflict out of the land and will make you lie down safely.

    And I will betroth you to Me forever; yes, I will betroth you to Me in righteousness and justice, in steadfast love, and in mercy.

    I will even betroth you to Me in stability and in faithfulness, and you shall know (recognize, be acquainted with, appreciate, give heed to, and cherish) the Lord.

    And in that day I will respond, says the Lord; I will respond to the heavens [which ask for rain to pour on the earth], and they shall respond to the earth [which begs for the rain it needs],

    And the earth shall respond to the grain and the wine and the oil [which beseech it to bring them forth], and these shall respond to Jezreel [restored Israel, who prays for a supply of them].

    And I will sow her for Myself anew in the land, and I will have love, pity, and mercy for her who had not obtained love, pity, and mercy; and I will say to those who were not My people, You are My people, and they shall say, You are my God!

ix.

my hot summer playlist

....

bon iver

atmosphere

solid gold*

matt & kim

mgmt

keane

she & him

frightened rabbit

davy

iron & wine

lykke li

the bird & the bee

mirah

ani, ani, ani

santogold

kings of leon

wildbirds & peacedrums

zero 7
the knife
jose gonzalez

ray lamontagne

aqualung

band of horses

sigor ros

agnus & julia

vampire weekend

cat power

jazz

andrew bird

matthew santos

beck

sia

rilo kiley

tegan & sara

(*= currently listening to).

listen. enjoy.

viii.

lately, ive been working on confidence. 

confidence: a feeling of self-assurance from one's appreciation of one's own abilities or qualities.

yep, this is definitely a work in progress for me. i am constantly striving towards the acknowledgement of my own abilities/qualities. 

and sometimes i think that i might be halfway successful if it weren't for the rest of humanity.

i have always reminded myself that there is no need to compare because there will always be someone who is more . . . 

more intelligent, 

more put-together, 

more alluring, 

more articulate, 

more beautiful, 

more understanding, 

more welcoming, 

more wise,

more . . . confident. 

but, the problem i have with appreciating my own abilities or qualities is the fact that i tend to base the judgements of those abilities and/or qualities in relation to the abilities and/or qualities of others. 

because it seems to me that one cannot make a judgement of something unless it is compared to another thing. 

for something to be right- another must be wrong.

for one to be intelligent- another is unintelligent.

if one is beautiful- another is ugly.

if one is wise- another is foolish.

am i able to truly find a sense of confidence only within myself?

are we ever able to appreciate or abilities or qualities without comparing?

do i need an outside perspective?

perhaps there is One greater than myself that can see all. 

One that is able to remind me that maybe it is not comparison- but rather completion that exists among all of humanity.

maybe i will eventually be able to comprehend that truth. 

vii.

reprieve

....

i bought myself a pack of cigarettes

something else to help me forget

i needed something to wash it out

the unrequited taste you left in my mouth

my coffee is black

as your lies are white

you've left just enough unsaid

for me to make it through this night

so kiss my skin again

and i will try to pretend

that this means as much to you

as in me, i have allowed it to

your words are different

its the tone in which you speak

your heart is open

under the protection of these sheets

but dawn comes too soon

and i'm left alone in this room

now ravaged is my soul

from your haphazard swoon

so i'll gather up my things

and quietly leave

but left behind is my heart

with a note of its reprieve

and now, hour by hour

and moon by moon

my heart hopes for you again

yet, days turn to months

and months turn to truth

i will never see you again

-me

vi.

eulogy

....

my sole request

when you ponder thereof

the finality of death

please speak with love

to loosen your lips

if scarcely to say

the most lovely eulogy

as my body decay

so unforgiving, it may seem

is this dark grave

but peace transcends me now

for to this life i no longer slave

let your head

not fall too low

lest your weak eyes

should overflow

but yes,

weep if you may

cry if you might

even still,

my soul shall fill

the veiled sky this night

remembrance of me

shall be your crutch

when longing's song

sings for my touch

please rest my love

for i now am

my soul has returned

to the Breath

from which it began

-me

v.

Summer Fun: Neat Things To Do With Myself

-build a sand castle

-camp

-kayak 

-buy myself a bouquet of flowers

-watch the sunrise/sunset on the beach

-go to chicago

-movie in the park

-bike all day with no plan of where to go

-concert

-go to a lecture or panel discussion

-museum

-theater

-go to a public reading/ poetry session

-share my work at a spoken word event

-fly a kite

-take a class: writing/ cooking

-buy a mini trampoline/ sewing machine/ old english sheepdog

-run through a beautiful meadow that i would usually just pass by

iv.

your whispers are soft

like a cool summer breeze floating through my hair

chills dance on my skin

as your breath sweeps over me

your instruction is gentle

like the harmony of piano keys

you are softly and surely

one step ahead of me

completing what i cannot

my eyes are no longer just mine

but they see vastly, and with greater purpose now

filling with your tears for this world and its anguish

my ears no longer only hear

the beautiful laughter of friends

but are now privy to the cries of the widow- of the orphan- of the homeless

my heart is no longer searching

for comfort in a love of my own

but it is craving to comfort those who have never felt love before

you are more than i can see

more then i can feel

more than i can comprehend

yet you chose to affect me

with your love

and i am deeply humbled

-me

iii.

my roommate, kate, and i have been privy to the culture of the brooding romantic philosophers as of late . . .

our days are filled with many words. lengthy conversations in the morning over french press, passing into lingering conversations in the evening over wine and cigarettes. the topic of discussion- love & commitment. 

i hear that those who cannot do, teach- so i suppose that those who cannot teach, learn. and yes, we are just learning. 

i was watching the discovery channel the other night, 'the science of sex appeal' was on (by far one of my most favorite series). its on every few months with the latest scientific evidences that support theories of what creates attractiveness in a person/ what dispositions allow one to be drawn to another physically/ and what drives humans to choose one another as life partners (things like facial symmetry, scent, waist to hip ratio (for women), etc.)

this show is interesting- obviously. infotainment at it finest. but it got me thinking . . . besides the science of initial attraction, 

what is it that causes a person to finally commit?

 . . . ?

 . . . ?

and maybe that is where i am going to end this entry .  .  . because if i had figured out this one i would be committed to someone right now. if kate and i knew the remedy our discussions might consist of more interesting and worldly topics. 

but not to worry, as soon as i learn, i will teach. 

ii.

i have been reading through the proverbs this week. 

my desire which lead me to its pages was my search for wisdom. 

this last year of my life has been like non other. i have acted more foolishly than i ever have before in my life. taking steps that have lead me on paths of confusion. i began making choices- that at one time seemed to be the key to my inner freedom and individuality- but, in actuality, these choices were the exact things pulling me further away from true  freedom. 

these choices were keeping me stagnant in life. these choices were allowing complacency into my life. complacency in my life created a disconnect from not only myself and my creator, but also from those around me. my heart was growing distant from everything- my soul was calloused- my desires we no longer to promote wisdom, love and peace between myself, God and my community- instead, they were completely self satisfying. 

however obviously destructive the path i was choosing was to others- i was disillusioned. i needed to learn the hard way. i needed not to be told that my actions were  destructive. instead i needed to see it for myself- to experience it first hand. perhaps i believed that in choosing this i would have some sort of street credit . . . "i didnt just believe what these wise people told me- i didnt just follow their instruction. i found out for myself- here are the scars to prove my experience". 

well, the scars are real. but, i guess they are not really scars just yet. they are in that pink stage- after the injury took place- just after the scabs have fallen off. but before they begin to really heal over and turn to a beautiful scar. 

it was in observing these lesions on my soul that lead me to the book of proverbs. 

it has been quite a while that i have committed to not just the reading of a book in the bible, but also the study of it. this week has been refreshing as i have made my way through the text and scribbled my ramblings in my journal along the way. 

the book of proverbs is a compilation of instructions. it is a book of teaching for the young; a guide for the simple; a tool for the wise to become even wiser. 

i have always assumed my world gray. but, in reading the proverbs i am reminded that perhaps it is not as gray as i once thought.  in fact, i came to this book because i knew i would not find gray anywhere on its pages. i have lived in an overcast existence for the last year- i want stark black and white now (of course in saying that i realize that life is a constant battle for balance- there is a time for black & white and there is a time for questioning everything- it is all apart of the beautiful human experience).  

my prayer when beginning this book was for wisdom- not just knowledge. i desired to have a deep understanding of the Lord and his ways. to fully connect to him as i used to- to experience intimacy within his heart again (it has been so long since this has been a reality for me).

i am finding wisdom and direction in the pages. i am realizing more and more that i can read as much as i want and take as many notes as possible and try to rationalize my faith- but, true wisdom comes when i begin to engage with the Lord on these issues- he is able to shed light where i cannot see. perhaps this is sounding elementary, but it is a truth that i am coming to terms with all over again- and i love it.

so i am about half-way through this book, purposefully taking my time (i have a tendency to read much too fast just to say i have read a certain text- & that i have read it in X amount of time). i am beginning the small steps again of engaging with the Lord in my quest for wisdom. 

i am understanding that wisdom is only a means to an end- and the end is the face of God. 

what could be more lovely? 

i.

the vastness of my emotions have lead me here.

to blog.

this is my virginal step into this world. you are my witnesses. as i continue on this journey i hope to come across many fascinating finds- mostly within myself- but, of course, through the sharing of knowledge and continual direction of others. i desire to grow through this process. i desire to be more open- more vulnerable- less worried- more consistent all around. 

and within the walls of my first entry, i have decided to post a poem- the title of which has inspired the title of my blog. it is one of my most favorite poems and i thought it fitting to ease me into this process. A quick note: this poem has been translated to english from its original text in spanish.

Puedo Escribir

Tonight I can write the most sorrowful lines 

I can write, for example: "The night is star-filled

and the blue stars are shivering in the distance."

The night wind turns in the sky and sings.

Tonight I can write the most sorrowful lines.

I loved her then, and sometimes she loved me back.

Through nights like tonight I held her in my arms.

I kissed her and kissed her under endless skies.

She loved me then, and sometimes I loved her back.

How could I not love her giant, still eyes?

Tonight I can write the most sorrowful lines.

I can think I'm not holding her. I can regret that I lost her.

I can hear the vast night, still vaster without her.

And the words settle on my soul like dew on the pasture.

It doesn't matter that my love couldn't keep her.

The night is star-filled and she is not with me.

That's all that matters. Someone is singing far away. Far away.

My soul cannot be content, because I have lost her.

As if they could bring her near, my eyes try to find her.

My heart searches for her, and she is not with me.

The same nightfall whitening the same trees.

But we have both changed so much since that night.

Surely I no longer love her, but how I once loved her.

My voice sought the wind to touch her hearing.

Another's. She will be another's. As before I had kissed her.

Her voice, her pale body. Her endless eyes.

Surely I no longer love her, but maybe I love her.

Love is so short; memories last so long.

Because through nights like tonight I held her in my arms,

my soul cannot be content, because I have lost her.

Even if this is the last pain she makes me suffer,

and this is the last poem that I write for her.

-pablo neruda

til next time.